So like most people, I have my good days and my bad days. Unfortunately, today is a bad day. In the last 5 minutes, suddenly a rush of memories came flooding back which were of when I was diagnosed. I remember going to back that night and crying myself to sleep as I was in shock. I grieved for my non-existant children basically. MRKH affects 1 in 5000 girls, and I had to be that 1. I’ve always asked myself why it was me, and not another girl who had no desire to have children. I remembered screaming at God who I blamed for giving me MRKH. I was only 15 and was already experiencing my first panic attack, with many more to come. Before I was diagnosed, I considered myself to be a religious person of Christian faith. Today, there is little faith left in me. I know religion is a touchy subject so I apologise for those who read this who might be offended. My view is that if God is really as great as he is portrayed to be, then why would he place terrible things upon people who have done nothing to deserve them? For me, it was infertility. For my best friends mother, it was cancer. For others it could be anything, but the key connection here is that NO human being gave me MRKH and NO human being gave my best friends mother cancer. May she rest in peace ❤ This I will NEVER understand. And for this reason, I can no longer accept god into my life. Again, I apologise if I have offended anybody.
I am trying to keep it together today as I have to concentrate on writing a university essay, but it’s hard. My flashbacks have been coming back more often recently which is frustrating. I try not to think about my past as it hurts way too much. I usually repress my emotions, which isn’t probably the best thing to do. I feel like I’m walking around everyday with a mask on my face to protect myself from what I’m truly feeling. I have joined a couple of support groups on Facebook which have helped me a bit, but have also made me think a lot more about my MRKH, which I’m trying to avoid doing. When I think about it to much, it becomes too overwhelming and disrupts my life a lot.
From, ForeverFaithful xo