There have been better days..

Hello again 🙂 

So the last couple of days have been tough for me. Normally I am strong enough to ignore the negativity surrounding my life but lately I’ve been unable to do this. I am 20 years old now and I’m finding it particularly difficult to cope with my MRKH this year. A couple of people I know are having babies and I know as I get older, more and more of my friends will be getting pregnant and I won’t be able to share their joy like I should be able to. Women getting pregnant never bothered me until earlier this year as I felt like I wasn’t ready yet anyway. I am not ready yet now also, but it’s the thought that I could be pregnant right now if I didn’t have MRKH. I have recently begun volunteering at a school for autistic children and have received much happiness from my experiences with the kids. One little boy loves to play by being spun around and held upside down and has the biggest smile on his face while doing so. A child’s smile just make my day and I imagine what it would be like to see my own child one day smiling up at me.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls who didn’t want kids so I wouldn’t have to put myself through all this pain and sadness. But this pain and sadness could only make me stronger, I just have to figure out how. 

Love ForeverFaithful xox

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Surrogacy Hopes and Dreams

Hello 🙂

Well, it has been quite a while since I wrote my last post! Uni assignments got the better of me I think. A while ago on April 5th I went to another MRKH meeting at the Sydney Royal Women’s Hospital. I enjoyed it more than I did the first meeting as I got a lot more out of it. I was fortunate enough to hear other women’s surrogacy stories which was music to my ears. I definitely would like to try  surrogacy when i’m older. I know it will be the toughest chapter of my life but I know that it will be worth it, no matter the cost or how long it takes. My mother also shared her view of having a daughter with MRKH and how it has impacted on our lives together. She was so brave to speak to everyone and I knew just by looking around the room, that she touched everyones heart 🙂 I’m very proud to call her my mother ❤

The next meeting will be in November so Im hoping I’ll be able to attend as I think their will be more talk about the specific laws, regulations and costs involved in surrogacy. I’m leaving for 2 months in Europe at the end of November so I’m hoping the meeting is in the beginning of November, but if not I have plenty of time to learn about surrogacy in the next 10 years. I’m sure the laws will change over time anyway. It’s funny as my boyfriend has had a few dreams with the two of us and two young children; a boy and a girls who are twins. These children have been the same in each of his dreams and he has told me that the boy’s personality is like mine and the girl’s personality is like his. Before he told me he was having these dreams, I always felt that if I had any children they would only be twins. My boyfriend and I have even come up with names lol, Liam for a boy and Rosie or Aurora for a girl 🙂 I have not had any of these dreams but I hope to one day and to even have these dreams come true 🙂

I realised a few days ago that I was basing every important decision in my life on the costs of surrogacy. For example, I put so much more pressure on myself in each uni assessment as my philosophy is that if I don’t do well, then I can kiss my dreams of surrogacy goodbye. I think for a long time, the fear of not being able to afford the surrogacy process has been unconsciously bothering me but it’s only now that I’ve realised that it has been bothering me. I’m getting to the stage where I’m closer to my future career and I’m worried it’s not going to happen. However, surrogacy is a “we” process and not an “I” process. For me though, I feel that my boyfriend shouldn’t have to bear the majority of the costs as it’s not his fault that I can’t have children. I told him this and he said that I was just being silly and that it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t have children either. I know that he is right, but I still cant help the way I feel. I know I am strong enough to get past my irrational thoughts surrounding surrogacy and I am determined to stop myself from thinking this way.

Bye for now, Forever Faithful xox

Dear MRKH Sisters – We Can Make A Difference :) xxx

Morning! 

I am absolutely blown away by the positive feedback I was given when I shared my blog on the MRKH Facebook groups 🙂 I feel so blessed and privileged to be part of the MRLH community and honestly do not know where I would be if I didnt know them today. Even though I am still choosing to remain anonymous, my hope is that one day I’ll find the strength to use my real name in creating awareness of MRKH. I still possess fear of being treated differently by others who know my real name, I know I shouldnt still feel like this but hopefully one day the fear will disappear. In high school, I kept it a secret from so many as I only told a select few. I did this partly because I was embarrassed and felt shameful by having MRKH. I also did this as a boy in my grade found out he was infertile and told his girlfriend, who then managed to spread his secret across the grade. People laughed at him and pityed him, I did not want this for me. Luckily I made it through high school with no major problems and am now at university:)

I have heard so many other stories from other girls who had problems in high school when people found out about them. The most embarrassing part for me, and I think most other women also, is that we have an incomplete or non-existent vaginal canal. Using a dilator was absolutely humilating for me as I was being forced to explore my sexuality at an earlier age than I would have liked. Anyway, I heard some stories of girls being called hermaphrodites, girls having to change schools as they were being ridiculed and also girls struggling to let themselves have a relationship in general from the fear of a man not accepting them. I feel so sorry for those girls who had it rough, as I had a much easier ride than most. I have dealt with my MRKH for only 5 years so the only advice I can give is that it will get easier to deal with. I mostly struggled internally and kept a lot to myself. In the last couple years I have been more open in talking about MRKH which has really been a saving grace for me. And I also know that the women from the Facebook group are there for support when I feel I can only speak to those who understand what I’m going through. 

My Australian friend Ally has created a new MRKH foundation for Australia called Sisters For Love which is an absolute saving grace in creating awareness as well as the opportunity to chat and meet with fellows sisters more often. Ally has been such an inspiration to me and has helped me in so many ways. She was the one who organised the first ever MRKH meeting in Australia at the Sydney Royal Women’s Hospital and I will always be so grateful that she did that. I was given the opportunity to chat with women like myself and finally feel that I’m not going through this alone 🙂 Without Ally, I probably would not have gotten that opportunity 🙂 

I’m sorry that this post rambles on a bit, I’m going to attribute it to lack of sleep and an early rise this morning lol. I am going to try and write in this blog every couple of days and I’ll talk about a range of things. I think this blog would be quite boring if I just spoke about MRKH for every single post! Or maybe not =P 

Love ForeverFaithful xo

Good Days and Bad Days

Hi everyone, 

So like most people, I have my good days and my bad days. Unfortunately, today is a bad day. In the last 5 minutes, suddenly a rush of memories came flooding back which were of when I was diagnosed. I remember going to back that night and crying myself to sleep as I was in shock. I grieved for my non-existant children basically. MRKH affects 1 in 5000 girls, and I had to be that 1. I’ve always asked myself why it was me, and not another girl who had no desire to have children. I remembered screaming at God who I blamed for giving me MRKH. I was only 15 and was already experiencing my first panic attack, with many more to come. Before I was diagnosed, I considered myself to be a religious person of Christian faith. Today, there is little faith left in me. I know religion is a touchy subject so I apologise for those who read this who might be offended. My view is that if God is really as great as he is portrayed to be, then why would he place terrible things upon people who have done nothing to deserve them? For me, it was infertility. For my best friends mother, it was cancer. For others it could be anything, but the key connection here is that NO human being gave me MRKH and NO human being gave my best friends mother cancer. May she rest in peace ❤ This I will NEVER understand. And for this reason, I can no longer accept god into my life. Again, I apologise if I have offended anybody. 

I am trying to keep it together today as I have to concentrate on writing a university essay, but it’s hard. My flashbacks have been coming back more often recently which is frustrating. I try not to think about my past as it hurts way too much. I usually repress my emotions, which isn’t probably the best thing to do. I feel like I’m walking around everyday with a mask on my face to protect myself from what I’m truly feeling. I have joined a couple of support groups on Facebook which have helped me a bit, but have also made me think a lot more about my MRKH, which I’m trying to avoid doing. When I think about it to much, it becomes too overwhelming and disrupts my life a lot. 

From, ForeverFaithful xo

Moving Forward

Good afternoon 🙂

Image      I will be attending my second MRKH meeting at the Sydney Royal Women’s Hospital in April this year. I am looking forward to this meeting alot this time in particular as my mother will be speaking on behalf of all mothers whose daughters have MKRH. This took a lot of courage to even accept the offer of speaking at the meeting as it will be a very tough thing for her to do. I don’t think therewill be a dry eye in the room after she is finished her speech. I am so proud of her for speaking to all the women, she is truly inspirational and I am so lucky to have her by my side 🙂 

I will be travelling to Europe from the end of November to January this year and the first stop will be London. I have decided to go to the Queen Charlottes Hospital to have a look at their fantastic MRKH program of which I have been told so much about. I am hoping to chat to some of the girls their to hopefully share my story and to let them know that things will turn out OK. That while having MRKH is tragic for a woman, it’s not the end of the world as it should never define who we are as a woman. 

I have decided to return to my psychologist that I used to see upon finding out about my condition, as lately it’s been affecting me a lot more than it used to. It could have been anything that made those depressing feelings about infertility resurface. My anxiety levels have risen and I’ve experienced a few panic attacks over minor things that hasn’t happened to me in 3 years. So I thought I’d better get a handle on this sooner rather than later as I am a full-time university student and do not need my grades to suffer because of this. I know I am a strong woman and I know I can get past this. I just need to tools and techniques to guide me through again 🙂

Love ForeverFaithful xx

One thing I have noticed about the chosen people I have told about my MRKH, is that some of them hesitate about talking about anything to do with pregnancy. It doesn’t happen a lot but when it does happen it is very noticeable. I’m worried that when I’m older and my friends start having babies, they might hesitate to tell me from the fear that they might upset me. I understand why the people I love might refrain from talking about certain topics and I think it’s sweet that they don’t want to upset me.

The truth is though, that everything that I see, read and hear everyday reminds me of my MRKH. It is always on my mind and will always be on my mind so I have had to get used to it. It’s so ingrained my in mind that every time I look at another female I feel that pang of pain from the loss of what could have been. For 5 years I have known about myself and am OK with the card I have been dealt. It isn’t easy but I have to live with it so the only choice i have is to stay positive 🙂

My Story with MRKH

Hi all 🙂 

I am a 20 year old Australian woman and am also a university student studying psychology. This is my first blog I’ve ever written so here goes 🙂

Sooo, I have this invisible condition known as MRKH which occurs in about 1 in every 5000 girls and I won haha! Sometimes seeing the irony in this is needed to get through the difficult parts. Each case of MRKH is different but in my case, I was born without a uterus and a cervix. I do however, have two ovaries and partial fallopian tubes which is great as this means I can choose to try surrogacy with my own eggs if I wanted to. I found out about myself when I was 15 years old, but I always knew something was wrong. 

Like most girls with MRKH, I also found out due to not having my period yet so I went to the doctors and they sent me to get an ultrasound done. I was the last patient booked in to have an ultrasound. I remember a pregnant woman went in before me and they took forever, and Im sitting there waiting with a full bladder wishing them to hurry up lol. When my turn finally came, the  lady looked very confused and when I saw the screen was practically black where my uterus should have been, I knew it wasn’t right. Mum began questioning the lady and she said that she had to go make a call. As we waited, I felt my heart practically fall into my stomach, just praying that there was a mistake. When the lady returned, mum demanded her tell us what was wrong. She said that she could not find my uterus which meant that I could never get pregnant. My whole world literally crashed around me and I felt numb, I couldnt even cry I was that stunned. 

An MRI was next which confirmed my lack of uterus and also confirmed my ovaries were working perfectly 🙂 However, it also showed that I did not have a cervix which meant that if I did nothing to fix this, then I would not have a normal sex life. So to me at 15, this was a lot to take in! I mean, I wasnt even thinking about sex yet! I was told that the treatment would be either surgery or dilation. The thought of someone performing an operation on my vagina just made me physically sick. I opted for dilation but didn’t actually start properly till I was 17 as mentally it became extremely exhausting for me, as many MRKH sister would know. 

This tragedy affected all areas of my life, as much as I tried not to let it. I began to withdraw myself from my friends and family and unconsciously began eating a bit more than I normally did. I had that “fuck it” attitude where basically i was like, “oh well I have been dealt a bad hand so this is my excuse for allowing myself to do something I normally wouldn’t.” I became very depressed and anxious from the fear of what was to come as well as if people ever found out. I eventually admitted that I needed help so I went and saw a psychologist who helped me through some tough times and gave me techniques on how to cope with MRKH. 

At the time of my diagnosis I had a boyfriend but I just couldn’t tell him what was wrong. It wasn’t because I couldnt trust him, he was a nice guy, but the point was he was a boy and the thought of telling a boy scared the crap out of me. I ended up breaking up with him as I could no longer cope with a relationship. Since then I have told 3 guys and all 3 I have had positive responses from 🙂 The third is my current boyfriend who has been an amazing support base for me and has stuck by me through everything. We have been dating for 19 months and I believe is the love of my life and I honestly dont know what I would do without him ❤ He is the only guy I’ve told about the sex part of MRKH, as if I choose to tell someone, I only say the not being able to have kids part. I can happily say now that I can have a normal sex life 🙂 So at least half of my MRKH can be ticked off as being fixed haha! 

Recently, I went to an MRKH meeting at the Royal Womens hospital in Sydney and was finally able to speak to other women face-to-face who are just like me! I found the whole meeting very overwhelming and was emotional for the most part but I’m glad I went. I just felt so much emotional energy around me which made it difficult for me to keep my emotions under control. We were educated more about MRKH and had the privilege to hear from some highly qualified doctors who specialise in the female anatomy. We also heard other women’s stories about their struggles with MRKH and the positive stories of adoption and surrogacy successes 🙂 It really gave me hope that things will be okay in the future 🙂

I always will have my good days and bad days, but the good days are forever increasing 🙂 The most important thing I have learned through my experiences by having MRKH is to NEVER let it run your life. 

Love ForeverFaithful xx